Not my plan

Eight years ago today I woke up alone. It was my first "official" day as a single mom. My husband had left a note on the kitchen table the day before and left. Just left a note saying he made a mistake marrying me.....and left.

Everything about my life changed - had to change. To survive I had to reign in all the hurt and anger as much as possible and move forward. I had to get myself together, or at least be able to reasonably fake it and FAST. I know that is taboo and people aren't suppose to talk about these things. But I do, much to the chagrin of some family members.

I nearly died. I did go bat shit crazy, but all that took was some heavy medication and three years of therapy. It wasn't that there wasn't a sense of relief, his presence had become angry and abusive more than loving and engaged. But still...he LEFT. It shattered the world as I knew it. My future, my plans were gone. In one short note and an empty closet all my dreams and goals had vanished.

I say it like this, we were happy, but we were never healthy. We married young. Yes, there was a bun in the oven when we signed the marriage license. Scandal! But that bun came from a committed relationship, in modern terms...he had already put a ring on it. I don't think either of those things led to the divorce. You see, I had placed everything about myself on this other person. He didn't ask for it, and I didn't make sure it was OK. That doesn't excuse his actions, but please don't get me wrong, this isn't about me saying look at the victim I was! I am a saint and he is evil! That simply isn't true. I have my own set of issues (see comment above about therapy) and I dealt with them. I deal with them on a daily basis. I understand now who I am, and though I don't apologize for that, I try to understand why my me doesn't fit with everyone else's me. I can't speak for his issues and so I won't.

The divorce came later, much later. There was legal wrangling to go through, much of it unnecessary. After countless hours and mega sized fees,  I finally threw my hands in the air and said I'm Done. So maybe I wasn't officially a "single" mom until 2010? For three years I was just a in limbo mom. Either way you slice it, it was the Me show all day, everyday.

Fast forward through getting full time work, losing a home to foreclosure, having God place a  new rental home in my lap, finding how to really stretch a dollar, LOVING my kid and his messy liver, food pantries, gifts of clothing, food, school supplies, money. And here I am. Eight years of learning and growing. Eight years of figuring out how to navigate. Eight years of being mom and dad to the most wonderful kid in the universe. I may have my scars from my past, but I stand. Every day I grow and change. Every day I release my past hurts and move forward into an exciting future.
Even if it wasn't the future I thought I was going to have.

Off topic, maybe I'm ranting

I need to go off topic here. 

And I'm going to pull off my soapbox ....so bear with me. 

I did some reading today about the life of a single parent and the effect it has on children. Once i started I couldn't stop clicking links and reading more. And I don't know if I'm getting it alright or getting it all wrong but my life is not reflect a majority of what I've been reading. Actually, what I read made me mad. To spread such negativity out into the world. Come on people! First off, I am not damaged goods who disobeyed God by having a divorce in my past. I should not be shunned for that, and God help you if I ever hear that you shunned the boy. I don't care how old he is. I dealt with some stupid parents, I (proudly) didn't slap them silly over it either. But I did decide I didn't need them in my life. My being a single mom is a fact. I can't go back and make the divorce not happen, I would NEVER want that.

The boy and I have been on our own since he was 10 years old and I'm better for that and I think he's better for that. We aren't free of all conflict and issues, but we are pretty darn happy. I lost everything when it comes to financial and material wealth and had to start over from scratch. When we had to move, people were there to support us. Friends, family, neighbors coworkers. They helped find a new home, move the few belongings I got and helped us get stable. 

By the way, the new house is definitely a God thing. The story of that itself I will have to tell you someday.

By reading all the statistics sounds like my son should be bad in school, bad socially, doing horribly at one thing or another and having sex like a monkey. So I don't know if its him or me or both but the fact that he's almost a straight A student in well advanced (nerdalicious)college level courses and doing well socially (even though he is still an introvert) someone somewhere is defying the odds. 

I don't think a divorce, or a choice to be a single parent means a bad kid. OR a bunch of negative hangups. I think we have a choice. You can pick which fork you want in that road. You can be out of control and have an "excuse" or you can overcome hardships and move forward. You cannot blame your child's grades on his or her absent parent. The grades are bad because the kid is slacking or there is a bigger issue. Period End of. 

Can I say that the divorce left some scars on myself and the boy? Heck yeah. Each break up is personal and different, mine was a freakin' train wreck. Big nasty ugly scars that can be covered up and will fade but they will never truly heal were left on both of us.. 

Just like this new chapter of living with a chronic illness, there are big giant Bigfoot stomps left on your heart and soul. But you gently fill those in and move forward. If you don't, they just stay there, bruised, sore and ugly. It isn't an overnight thing. I didn't wake up one day with the weight of the world off my shoulders after the diagnosis. But, I can have faith that my boy is fine. He is LIVING and loving it. And I can know that he is taking this 1000% serious and doing what the liver dude says. We haven't talked about the scars, besides the physical, that he has since the first few weeks. But he seems to take it as a fact of life, just like his blonde hair and double jointed shoulders. 

I never knew this was such an odd idea...just dealing with your schmutz and growing out of it. However, if the general population of media (yeah I know that is giving them way too much credit) is to be believed (HA!) then me and my boy rock. 

You were warned... soapbox put back away.