Eight years ago today I woke up alone. It was my first "official" day as a single mom. My husband had left a note on the kitchen table the day before and left. Just left a note saying he made a mistake marrying me.....and left.
Everything about my life changed - had to change. To survive I had to reign in all the hurt and anger as much as possible and move forward. I had to get myself together, or at least be able to reasonably fake it and FAST. I know that is taboo and people aren't suppose to talk about these things. But I do, much to the chagrin of some family members.
I nearly died. I did go bat shit crazy, but all that took was some heavy medication and three years of therapy. It wasn't that there wasn't a sense of relief, his presence had become angry and abusive more than loving and engaged. But still...he LEFT. It shattered the world as I knew it. My future, my plans were gone. In one short note and an empty closet all my dreams and goals had vanished.
I say it like this, we were happy, but we were never healthy. We married young. Yes, there was a bun in the oven when we signed the marriage license. Scandal! But that bun came from a committed relationship, in modern terms...he had already put a ring on it. I don't think either of those things led to the divorce. You see, I had placed everything about myself on this other person. He didn't ask for it, and I didn't make sure it was OK. That doesn't excuse his actions, but please don't get me wrong, this isn't about me saying look at the victim I was! I am a saint and he is evil! That simply isn't true. I have my own set of issues (see comment above about therapy) and I dealt with them. I deal with them on a daily basis. I understand now who I am, and though I don't apologize for that, I try to understand why my me doesn't fit with everyone else's me. I can't speak for his issues and so I won't.
The divorce came later, much later. There was legal wrangling to go through, much of it unnecessary. After countless hours and mega sized fees, I finally threw my hands in the air and said I'm Done. So maybe I wasn't officially a "single" mom until 2010? For three years I was just a in limbo mom. Either way you slice it, it was the Me show all day, everyday.
Fast forward through getting full time work, losing a home to foreclosure, having God place a new rental home in my lap, finding how to really stretch a dollar, LOVING my kid and his messy liver, food pantries, gifts of clothing, food, school supplies, money. And here I am. Eight years of learning and growing. Eight years of figuring out how to navigate. Eight years of being mom and dad to the most wonderful kid in the universe. I may have my scars from my past, but I stand. Every day I grow and change. Every day I release my past hurts and move forward into an exciting future.
Even if it wasn't the future I thought I was going to have.
